some time back I decided I wanted a change in my life- not like a different hair style but a change in my feelings. I felt empty. I had no emotions at all, although from time to time i would cry for no good reason. For almost a month and a half we thought i was pregnant and i did not know how i felt about that either. I have always been one to know and say exactly how i was feeling but i couldn't, i was just Blah- I decided that it was just where we live, andrew hates it because there is no woods, i hate it because there is no life and we both hate it because of the heat. I will admit that i am not the worlds best prayer but i decided it was time to do just that. Andrew and I made a list of all the spiritual things we wanted to do and be better at- i will not list all of them but one of ours was not watching any rated r movies. I will admit it has helped and i feel so good that i have been able to conquer it. I took a trip with my sister in law caroline and for their privacy i wont share the story but i went and was able to see Fred, my brother in law. I could not beleive that it was him. He was a blessing to me, and it was EXACTLY what i needed to help me on my way. It made me see all the things in my life that i take for grantid every single stinkin day and the other things that i should hold so dear to me i almost dont even care about. the main example was my scriptures. I have a set of scriptures, i have books and the ensign and church literature at my fingertips at ANY given moment but i don't take the opportunity to read It instead of watching TV. I let my everyday duties and stuff (satan) tell me that i am too busy to pray, to read my scriptures and to attend church, institute, even FHE. The world is so fast paced that for these things i dont even think twice about doing and it is pathetic. I am pathetic to have such good things in my life and to not even give them a second thought. Andrew and I decided that couples prayer was something we would do morning and night- it helps! I can't beleive what it does for me, us! Fred's countenance had made me cry, made me think about how i would feel if all the sudden the world was taken from me and i had nothing to do and could do nothing about it. It really made me realize how blessed i am and how stupid i am for abusing it all so much! I WANT the spirit in my home daily, but yet i dont invite it in daily. I WANT to attenc church every week and fulfill my calling, but yet i HAVE to keep my second job and not go. I love love love visiting teaching. I never really did it in singles ward or when i lived in Heber but now that i go and do it, i love it- honestly it is the highlight of my month! I just can't beleive that i hit that "bottom" to where i needed to be woken up by someone ( i guess it happens to us all) to see what i truly want. I am so thankful for moving to heber when i was young and having all those religion battles with Brian and Brandi, otherwise i would have never joined the church. It all seems crazy to me to look back and see what i have been through and lean on that as a crutch, no more of that crapola. I need to feel my emotions whether it is sad or depressed, happy or sad, I just am not happy with this empty feeling and just being here. I would not have chose to be a part of the 2/3 that want to come down and i know Heavenly father would not have given me a body if i had no purpose. There are so many things i want to and need to accomplish in my life by myself and with my husband. I think about my sister in law azure who died and have a peaceful feeling knowing that she without a doubt of my mind will make it to the highest glory and that is what i want to feel on a daily basis if anything should happen to me, and right now i pretty much feel like i would go to hell! well i feel better now then i did 2 months ago:) But this is just my honest and raw emotion. Change can only start with me.
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